So what does an old lady like me have to do to get a bloke who can fuck me into oblivion? I've been alone for so long that I have already forgotten what it is like to have someone's breath against my skin.

Breaking up with my long-term partner is a damp squib. We broke up last week and I didn't even shed a single tear. And right now, I am already on the search for someone who can replace him. Are there any volunteers here?

Whenever a lad hits up on me and asks me where I came from, I always tell them I came from a floating island in Gulliver's Travels. They laugh. Those little bastards don't know it's Laputa. Guess I'll have to change my address, whaddya think?

I am always for the search of new experiences and adventures. Chatting is the new adventure for me right now. I would enjoy someone who can keep my fanny dripping wet while we are chatting on the phone. If you think this is you, then chat me up!

People think that it's rude when women only want to be with men who are handsome and have great looks. Well, they can't blame us if appearance matters. I will not lower my standards or compromise for someone who doesn't pass my requirements. I mean, ...

I am getting sick and tired of playing with myself. My fingers and toys have reached their limit. They are not giving me the pleasure they used to provide before. I think I need the real thing for now. I hope someone here would find it in their heart...